i know i have a tendency to talk in poetry, around and about without naming exactly what it is i’m saying.
my push now is to become the raw, uninhibited, vulnerable artist i see in the musicians and authors whose work speaks to me the most.
to set narcissism aside and communicate honestly; no matter the cost. no matter who i may be offending or inspiring, to simply be in such transparency – transparency i can’t take back or hide behind when being me is scary.
i used to think the bravest thing was quitting a job or moving.
now the bravest thing is living, heart open, fully me.
the bravest thing is leaving when i want to stay, because i want full love and full healing more than right now.
the bravest thing is holding myself and others high when my arms are hurting.
the bravest thing is faith in what i can’t see at all.
the bravest thing is crying as many days as it takes because living is a process and feeling is essential.
the bravest thing is stating – all I really want is Jesus. when i wake up, when i go to bed. i want radiance, grace, love, kindness, healing, adventure, beauty, wisdom, faith. i experienced a true taste of this for the first time this year and nothing else satisfies.
the bravest thing is holding onto hope, while so so weary.
the bravest thing is standing, fighting, doing whatever in the world necessary to protect the sweet, innocent children.
the bravest thing is FEELING. living without numbing. setting myself free and allowing others permission to do the same.
truly, madly, deeply is playing right now. is that the name of it? i know it’s by savage garden – ha. and i remember vaguely hearing this song at the grocery when i was a senior in high school.
god, that’s so far away.
even yesterday feels distant.
so i’m taking deep breaths and doing the next right thing. because that’s what oprah says to do. and the next right thing is another deep breath and allowing myself grace.
grace because i was only divorced three months ago, and i’ve been transient for over a year, and i’ve been freelancing during this time, and i broke up with my boyfriend and popped my tire in the same week. this week. today.
and i went to california and italy this year, all while transitioning, and new friending, and falling in love again.
i moved here and i moved to nashville and i moved back here again.
i said goodbye to my puppies.
action, movement, motion.
almost poetic as we transition into winter i’m finally pausing.
finally acknowledging – damn, amanda – a break down is not weakness. in fact, it’s healthy.
a trauma research study stated divorce, moving, finding a new job, and losing pets all in the highest category of stress and life change.
another deep breath. and two more.
this life is truly, incredibly beautiful. i see opportunity. possibility. growth. transformation. empathy. power.
i also see a trampoline down here at rock bottom. (i’m teasing, this doesn’t feel like rock bottom)
deep sigh, exhale, SMILE –