Monthly Archives: August 2012

Time

Do you ever feel like a stranger in your own life?

Do you ever stop enough to wonder…when did I pick this? What am I doing here?

It’s like I’ve been on auto-pilot for the last year. I’ve been merely existing. Growing up was so appealing before I made it here. Now I cannot believe this life is for me. These important commitments just cannot be mine. These friends don’t really know me now and we are too busy for each other anyway. I have a husband, how weird is that? I can’t even imagine having babies. I don’t want to surrender to this part of my life.

I’m afraid. I know I cannot stop the time. I cannot pause for a few moments to gain my understanding of this time. I’m only constantly hurled forward, left wondering, how did I make it here?

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Dance

If I could do absolutely anything ever, I would be a professional dancer.

I’m 27 now and I’ve had people tell me, “yeah you can take dance classes at any age, but you are too old to dance competitively.”

Now, I am not aware of all that is required of a professional dancer, but from the outside looking in…it seems simply glamorous.

Le sigh.

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Vulnerable

(This is not easy. I’ve shed the days of bearing my soul since Xanga was no longer popular).

Here is the truth: I’ve traded what is authentic and heart-felt for what is simple. Life moves too quickly to reflect in ways I have before. Pretty soon, August will be September; Summer will be Fall; and all of my concerns will have morphed into new concerns or simply multiplied. Here I am heaved forward; running as quickly as my legs will take me as not to fall under the imaginary bulldozer (which even still, pushes me forward). I’m trying my hardest to not be “flattened,” by life.

In fact, I’ve become pretty good at this running, this moving. I’m good at juggling busy, and being productive. My pace has steadied. My feet have blistered, then calloused. Focusing my eyes forward and becoming unaware of others now comes naturally. I’ve traded thinking for doing and it seems to be working.

I’ve made horrific mistakes and experienced what I shouldn’t have, but at least I’m moving … right?

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I stopped running today. I turned around, looked behind me … nothing.

Safe from the dozer, I sat down. I stretched. I slowly inhaled. Am I truly experiencing? Have my experiences made me bitter? Hard? Cold?

Have I been running so hard for so long, that I’ve forgotten the way rest feels?

Have I traded authentic, joyful depth for robotic production?

What does productivity truly accomplish?

Do I appreciate the now? My blessings? My life?

Sadly I don’t often stop and reflect. I don’t rest and chip away at my hardened heart. Heck, I don’t take enough time to tell my husband how much I appreciate him. This will change … it has to change.

For now, I need more time to rest and reflect. This world has cheapened my soul.

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The Me Behind Me

What is standing in the way of what (or who) you want to be?

I reflect on this question often. When I feel discouraged, or when I feel like I can offer so much more.

What is in the way? What are my obstacles? 

I want to dream. I want to live. I want to accomplish and adventure.

But what is in the way? 

Usually the answer is simple (and simultaneously incredibly complex).

I am in the way.

In the form of an excuse or a higher priority. I am in the way.

I am self-motivated. I’ve pushed hard in order to achieve, but there are still accomplishments I’ve (so far) deemed beyond my grasp. I am in the way.

So…logically…I need to move.

Step one: create a bucket list…(which is in progress – here).

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Today

Brisk. Sunny. 65 degrees.

I throw on my running clothes, grab my phone and head out the door.

7.5 miles later I’m refreshed and ready for the day. Whew. One mini-adventure at a time.

P.S. I’m in search of a self-motivated, exercise guru whom I can affectionately refer to as, “my workout buddy.”

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LeGrand Adventure

I need an adventure.

This is something I say pretty frequently. I NEED an adventure. I am fond of change. I like learning. And, really, I NEED ADVENTURE.

But what is adventure? It depends on who you’re asking. One of my coveted adventures is teaching English in other countries. Actually moving abroad for a year (or more) and experiencing another culture and language while making some money teaching. Recently, I’ve completed a certification course in order to teach English abroad. I need to schedule a time to shadow a current ESL teacher, but altogether, it seems I’m prepared for my adventure…

…well, not quite.

You see, I am married to an amazing man. I am SO thankful for all the balance and love he brings to my life. However, with this love, and with this amazing balance, he also carries his own share of adventures…and…as of lately these adventures don’t consist of moving abroad…ever.

Hmm.

I’ve never dealt with this before. I mean, before marriage/relationships, you set an adventure and then you “just do it.” The daunting thought of never achieving this “dream” leaves me a little dazed, wondering which way to turn next.

One thing I can make clear is this: I love my husband, and I respect that he has his own dreams (adventures). I also respect that he may not appreciate or understand my dreams, while I may not appreciate or understand his. However, we are both able to respect the other perspective and try to compromise. Because he may never be ready to move abroad does not make null my commitment to him…it just makes it a little more difficult.

…And maybe it makes things a little more exciting. I am now challenged to seek many things… a new attitude, a new goal, another adventure. In fact, my recent challenge is just that: seeking adventure in the every day. While I’m mulling through what it looks like to have my adventure on hold, I plan to MAKE adventures weekly, even daily. And then I’ll blog about them.

Yes.

That is what I will do.

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