(This is not easy. I’ve shed the days of bearing my soul since Xanga was no longer popular).
Here is the truth: I’ve traded what is authentic and heart-felt for what is simple. Life moves too quickly to reflect in ways I have before. Pretty soon, August will be September; Summer will be Fall; and all of my concerns will have morphed into new concerns or simply multiplied. Here I am heaved forward; running as quickly as my legs will take me as not to fall under the imaginary bulldozer (which even still, pushes me forward). I’m trying my hardest to not be “flattened,” by life.
In fact, I’ve become pretty good at this running, this moving. I’m good at juggling busy, and being productive. My pace has steadied. My feet have blistered, then calloused. Focusing my eyes forward and becoming unaware of others now comes naturally. I’ve traded thinking for doing and it seems to be working.
I’ve made horrific mistakes and experienced what I shouldn’t have, but at least I’m moving … right?
I stopped running today. I turned around, looked behind me … nothing.
Safe from the dozer, I sat down. I stretched. I slowly inhaled. Am I truly experiencing? Have my experiences made me bitter? Hard? Cold?
Have I been running so hard for so long, that I’ve forgotten the way rest feels?
Have I traded authentic, joyful depth for robotic production?
What does productivity truly accomplish?
Do I appreciate the now? My blessings? My life?
Sadly I don’t often stop and reflect. I don’t rest and chip away at my hardened heart. Heck, I don’t take enough time to tell my husband how much I appreciate him. This will change … it has to change.
For now, I need more time to rest and reflect. This world has cheapened my soul.