Tag Archives: future

legrand adventure – the only kind to have

truly, madly, deeply is playing right now. is that the name of it? i know it’s by savage garden – ha. and i remember vaguely hearing this song at the grocery when i was a senior in high school.

god, that’s so far away.

even yesterday feels distant.

so i’m taking deep breaths and doing the next right thing. because that’s what oprah says to do. and the next right thing is another deep breath and allowing myself grace.

grace because i was only divorced three months ago, and i’ve been transient for over a year, and i’ve been freelancing during this time, and i broke up with my boyfriend and popped my tire in the same week. this week. today.

and i went to california and italy this year, all while transitioning, and new friending, and falling in love again.

i moved here and i moved to nashville and i moved back here again.

i said goodbye to my puppies.

action, movement, motion.

almost poetic as we transition into winter i’m finally pausing.

finally breathing.

finally acknowledging – damn, amanda – a break down is not weakness. in fact, it’s healthy.

a trauma research study stated divorce, moving, finding a new job, and losing pets all in the highest category of stress and life change.

so…

another deep breath. and two more.

this life is truly, incredibly beautiful. i see opportunity. possibility. growth. transformation. empathy. power.

i also see a trampoline down here at rock bottom. (i’m teasing, this doesn’t feel like rock bottom)

deep sigh, exhale, SMILE –

and move.

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What do I desire?

Hi.

Perhaps the grandest of adventures is in the making. My loans will soon be paid (well, we’ve paid four in one year. I am extremely STOKED about this) and my full time job will be no longer as of December 28th. It’s funny. I wanted full-time work so badly and now I’m running as fast as I can toward change. I believe I served at CFCA for the appropriate allotted time. As mentioned previously, I successfully depleted four different student loans with one remaining. My attitude toward the final loan is to not focus on it, let it disappear more naturally. I’ve learned a great deal about working in the non-profit world. It truly is fulfilling, but so are many other things. I know I can do anything I would like to do. Some things may take more time and effort, but it’s the risk I’d take given wanting to do that particular thing.

What is my dream job? I’m not really sure. My Facebook news feed provided me with the most interesting video.

What would I do if money didn’t matter? It’s so hard to say…we are so trained to search for something that earns us money, not fulfillment. But how do we pay the bills if what we want to do doesn’t currently earn us anything? It’s really a hard, heartless, vicious cycle.

I want to write. I want to travel. Could I become a travel-writer? My current worldly answer is…I can teach. Only sometimes am I passionate about teaching; however the answer is acceptable and the pay check is real, not imaginary. Would I love it? Probably not…would I enjoy it? Yes, sometimes.

Right now, my husband and I are looking for work in Nashville and Chicago. I’d like to move. I’d like to do something interesting and mobile before I’m 30.

Perhaps it’s all so overrated. Thoughts?

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Wear Sunscreen

I have this fear that has manifested itself in the last few years. At 17, I felt my future was full of hope, possibility. At 27, my future and I have this dysfunctional relationship. I feel my future takes and takes, while I constantly give.

I spent time with a dear friend last night. I unloaded all my thoughts and burdens, and she patiently listened. When I finished my rambling, she asked me, “Do you think you are feeling this way because you aren’t where you expected to be in life? Like there are things you thought you would be doing and you aren’t doing them or cannot do them right now?”

Yes. She’s right. I want so badly to travel (at least I think I want to travel), and I cannot do that right now. I like the idea of children, but I do not want them right now. I might want a house; however the responsibility and commitment frightens me. I do not enjoy my desk-job.  I want to feel free.

I had plans of becoming this super adult, super wife and eventually super mom. I’ve realized I’m only a mediocre adult and sometimes I’m a horrible wife.

So perhaps my fear of my future is in reality a fear of failure. Life will never be exactly as I imagined. I guess this adds to the excitement.

A final thought in my insecure rambling: I found this old video last night. While it is dated, the advice isn’t. Listening made me feel a little less out-of-control and more thankful for my experience.

Follow the link and enjoy (and always, always…wear sunscreen).

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