Tag Archives: reflection

Take a Deep Breath

And trust your instinct.

No matter how known your counsel is, it’s you who knows exactly what is on your mind and heart. It’s only you who can see from your perspective. It’s only you who can make the decision.

Also, become a strict tenant. You control who rents space in your mind. No one has the right to squat inside your brain and tell you what they see from their own perspective. You set the rules. You aren’t required to give any notice to those you refuse.

These words are for me. I’ve let this year become about someone else setting my pace. When last year was all about saying YES to me and my own heart (because you have to, especially when everyone has their own opinion), I took two steps back and submit my own thoughts to another.

All my plans for Live Audaciously were on hold while I chased someone else’s advice.

When you mute your true passion, what is left to drive you? 

I haven’t blogged since the end of January. Only because I’ve felt stuck, downplayed, weak, as if my plans weren’t enough compared to what might amount to more monetarily.

So many random thoughts tonight.

Really, fuck all of them. Those who try to tell you you don’t matter because they are feeling threatened or invalidated. We live in a world where you are free to create yourself. Take full advantage and don’t let them tell you otherwise. And if they do, walk away. Kick them out of your mind. Keep being you.

If advice is hurled your way, decide if it matters to you. If not, do whatever the hell you want.

Tagged , ,

Year In Review

Honestly, today I’m cranky. I felt dreamy beforehand when I planned to post all that’s happened this year and now at the very end of the year, I feel there’s been a misstep. It’s the dressing room mirror’s fault.

Regardless, I started brainstorming my list. It made me smile. I guess I did kind of love this one.

  • had the opportunity to work with the sweetest ESL kiddos, during this time the idea of adoption was placed on my heart and will now shape a few things I am doing with the business in the near future
  • left that amazing job after being moved to tears in June, on my balcony, over a book. Had a stirring inside me I could not ignore and knew it was now or never and though I didn’t even realize, I’d been pursuing what was ‘easier’ this entire time. So I said YES.
  • felt more peace than before because of the decision to be myself unapologetically, found my voice
  • attracted more of my people because of the above bullet
  • paid off (almost all) debt. School loans, car loans, anything and everything else is diminished. We don’t own a home so I guess no mortgage can be celebrated – for now.
  • helped Lewis Howes launch his book, was apart of SOGA
  • came clear on my vision for Live Audaciously
  • became a personal trainer
  • helped my ladies shed a combined over 200 pounds of fat – online!
  • did a pull up, almost to two in a row currently!
  • live workouts with Tony Horton & Shawn T
  • read tons of books
  • practiced gratitude more often
  • adopted another puppy (Reg dude) Who am I??
  • met my nephew Gabe, had the chance to talk to my sister immediately after she gave birth (so many tears, so happy for her)
  • put on the guest list for an intimate house show by a musician I’ve followed for the past ten years, such an incredible experience.
  • I’m not telling you how the above bullet came to fruition but I really want to; it’s hilarious (so I’ll still make it a point, because it made my entire year)
  • visited the Oregon coast and the mountains and rode a train to Washington
  • met so many incredible people
  • attended two Dave Bazan house shows
  • FaceTime with family over the holidays (was bummed about not being there but had to look at the positive, still had a chance to drop in!)
  • witnessed my friend talk about her dream of designing a planner and see each step lead to now; launched and published!
  • witnessed my husband become more and more of who he is meant to be – you can tell, there is a peace and a confidence that arrive when you step into your true self
  • was always provided for and supported. So blessed, so thankful

I acknowledge what may have been a fantastic year for me may not have been for you. If so, I hope you find strength and peace tonight and know it does get better. Life is full of seasons and the above is only my highlight reel. There were frustrating, angry and off moments too. I also hope you find a moment to tease out the miracles this year held for you. May your next trip round the sun be blissful. xoxo

Tagged , , , , ,

Week Two

To be vs. to do – an update on my recently, purposefully un-busy life.

So far, since I have put to rest the driving force of the acquisition of money and the desire for productivity, I have been able to savor the tranquility hidden in the act of being versus the act of doing.

I’ve put focus on a holistic, healthful approach to intake and time consumption. I’ve lost five pounds, lost a nasty head cold, lost the headache and pressure of a rigid schedule.

What have I gained?

I have gained the time and space to pursue relationships. Time to wake-up and feel thankful and alive. Time to appreciate my husband for all that he is and how hard he is working as I reflect and recoup. An appreciation for the now, each moment…an appreciation for all that God has created: the raw, the community, the inspiration, the quality, the transfer of energy, true joy, perspective, semantics, knowledge, wisdom, beauty, potential, art in all of it’s forms, love, the ability to love.

Mostly, I’ve gained a deep appreciation for the ability to live. To live imperfectly but fully with everything I’m given at every moment.

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

Snow Day

I tried to make it to work today, really.

I left 20 minutes earlier than normal and was honestly driving about 20 miles an hour. Even though many cars were having some trouble, I thought, “I can do this.” I thought this right up to three minutes into my drive. My normal route was completely blocked due to a wreck and several cars swerving hopelessly on the ice.

As I turned around, I realized my car would not be so lucky to make it back without swerving around like the rest of them. Half an hour passed as I turned my wheels this way and that way, trying to gain enough traction to move. While trying to coax my car into movement, a jeep came careening backward, right toward my front bumper. “Oh crap,” I thought.

Fortunately, I was able to swerve right out of the way … just in time. Shortly after this, my car realized it’s power and moved forward, upward toward home. An hour later, I was back home.

—————————————-

So far I’ve done up my hair and make-up, tried on several different outfits, had my own impromptu photo shoot (which included a trip outside in my big winter parka) and had some down time filled with music and reflection.

This reflection has led to much brainstorming: first, what a year this has been…I’m excited to reflect completely and set some new goals for 2013; second, I am so thankful for all the beauty and grace every moment brings. Sometimes beauty comes in the form of bitter, sometimes it’s more obvious like falling snow. Also, I think, like the Grinch, my heart has grown three sizes today realizing how much I really do enjoy people. I often like to be alone, but oh how I enjoy being surrounded by such wonderful, different and interesting people.

Tagged , , , , , ,

Possibility

11: the number of days remaining at my current job. 0: the number of jobs I have lined up after this one.
This makes me feel alive for some reason. It makes me feel free. It makes me feel like I don’t have to be tied-up to some responsibility to survive. I feel like my options are wide open and my future can be etched with my own pen.

Realistically, this is very stupid. However, it doesn’t stop me. I technically have a job substitute teaching, but need to register my fingerprints to be “official.”

I’d like to work in a warehouse or bar-tend or do something completely random, for fun, just because.

Ideas?? Suggestions?? Dares???

Image

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

Bitter

I know we should value every moment, but I’m left feeling like I want nothing more than the beginning of January. I feel so jaded about the world’s approach to Christmas. We drew names at Thanksgiving for a Christmas gift exchange. I don’t even want to think about spending money on a gift. I don’t want to have to stress about buying gifts for people that don’t need them or to pretend like gift giving is what matters.

I am done caring about my job, and tired of showing up every week faking it. I miss working with kids. At least they are authentic. Most haven’t been bitten by the bitter of life.

I know this is a sour post, but I want room to be sour. I want to be able to frown and cry if I feel it. I want to be real, even if real is ugly.

Tagged , , , ,

Lyrical

I like to write with music playing. It makes me feel like I’m escaping into this existential world of emotion and thought. The unspoken ideas, those that are not yet words, simply ideas, dance around in my head as I debate whether to let them be, dancing in their beauty, in their unformed state, or categorize them into expressions, words, paragraphs, stories.

I keep these ideas safe by not speaking them. They are my secrets. I do not want to fail in my attempt to express them completely, so I don’t express them at all. Instead, I let them dance in my mind to the music I’m absorbing.

Sometimes even speaking them is too dry, too flat. I’m learning, perhaps, lyrical poetry is the only way to express these colorful, rich, dimensional ideas. I’m thinking this especially now, as I sing along to the music.

Maybe it’s because I can feel it. I not only read it with my eyes, but hear it with my ears, comprehend it with my mind and understand it with my heart. The lyrics are puzzles that coax my curiosity to gain further understanding. And sometimes, lyrics can remain secrets. They don’t require explanation, just enjoyment.

“Second best, oh, second best

I can learn to live with this

Plus, I really need a rest

After all, what’s wrong with second best”

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Vulnerable

(This is not easy. I’ve shed the days of bearing my soul since Xanga was no longer popular).

Here is the truth: I’ve traded what is authentic and heart-felt for what is simple. Life moves too quickly to reflect in ways I have before. Pretty soon, August will be September; Summer will be Fall; and all of my concerns will have morphed into new concerns or simply multiplied. Here I am heaved forward; running as quickly as my legs will take me as not to fall under the imaginary bulldozer (which even still, pushes me forward). I’m trying my hardest to not be “flattened,” by life.

In fact, I’ve become pretty good at this running, this moving. I’m good at juggling busy, and being productive. My pace has steadied. My feet have blistered, then calloused. Focusing my eyes forward and becoming unaware of others now comes naturally. I’ve traded thinking for doing and it seems to be working.

I’ve made horrific mistakes and experienced what I shouldn’t have, but at least I’m moving … right?

————————————————————————————

I stopped running today. I turned around, looked behind me … nothing.

Safe from the dozer, I sat down. I stretched. I slowly inhaled. Am I truly experiencing? Have my experiences made me bitter? Hard? Cold?

Have I been running so hard for so long, that I’ve forgotten the way rest feels?

Have I traded authentic, joyful depth for robotic production?

What does productivity truly accomplish?

Do I appreciate the now? My blessings? My life?

Sadly I don’t often stop and reflect. I don’t rest and chip away at my hardened heart. Heck, I don’t take enough time to tell my husband how much I appreciate him. This will change … it has to change.

For now, I need more time to rest and reflect. This world has cheapened my soul.

Tagged , , , ,