Tag Archives: direction

November 29th

In the midst of (unsuccessfully) studying for my CPT exam next weekend, I’m thinking about next year. Anyone else guilty of the same type of mind flow? I start a lot of projects and feel successful when doing them all at the same time. It drives Nigel crazy.

So, I’m thinking of next year and how I am going to launch a 100% health overhaul. I’ve mapped out posts to keep myself on track, and beginning December 15th I’ll be reflecting on this year and prepping for the next. But right now I need to study. Cannot wait to share all I’m learning!

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Seasons

Phew. September was difficult. After a summer of flying high, late August and September were the months that grounded me. Feeling thrown back into something I sprinted from left me bitter and searching for focus and gratitude. I welcome this month with arms fully extended, blissful at the thought of leaving the rest behind.

October, you son of a bitch, where you been hiding? 

In an effort to hold myself to writing more freely and more often, I’ll be including my “currents” at the end of my posts:

READING: Put Your Dream to the Test by John C. Maxwell

LOVING: my new functional planner by Dana Bowman @functional15

LISTENING: to Lewis Howes School of Greatness (podcast) & Derek Webb’s Ctrl album + random songs by Audrey Assad

MOVING: to those beats above & my p90x3 routine (you need inspiration to move? see me)

ASPIRING: to make this routine

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Photo: by me @Cheekwood; Artist: Juame Plensa

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When Plans Change or When Everything Goes Exactly as it Should

Years ago I thought God had forgotten me. From my own perspective, my closest friends were being heard, prayers were being answered, and there I was.

I felt so lonely.

I thought maybe these rules, thoughts, and ideas didn’t apply to me. Surely not. I couldn’t see the evidence anywhere. While I’d cling to the hope in my tears being repaid tenfold in joy, I’m not confident I believed it was true.

The feeling came back again, a year and a half into marriage, when I felt all my dreams were shut down and my hopes were put on what could be a permanent hold.

“But I thought we were supposed to do this – together; and here I am feeling all the weight and all the burden and none of the joy,” were thoughts that consumed my mind. It was really tough. It was difficult to keep my heart and mind focused. I reacted and broke my own heart in the process. I felt stuck and resentful and hopeless. It sounds heavy but it’s true and that’s why I think it’s important to share.

My problem then and sometimes now, was my lack of vision. I couldn’t see past that month or year or past my own hurt. I couldn’t see this work that started years ago will be continued, and it will be for my own good.

I measured my life in nearsighted-ness, ignoring the decades I had yet to evaluate.

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Fast forward to now. I still feel lonely sometimes. I think we all do. But any and all of my feelings have been transcended by this thick, comforting blanket of peace. Almost ten years post endless nights of tears and my hurt doesn’t come from those feelings any longer. Almost five years post committing myself to Nigel and all we’ve experienced, through my fault or not, has been sobering and messy, but nothing I’d trade.

Sometimes all of these life events seem ironic. They aren’t. I think it’s more the beautiful detail that is woven through every interaction, pain, conversation, song, missed opportunity. It still leads me here. Those deep gut feelings or passions reside in me to be pursued, and those hurts I’ve caused are ways to learn and experience, and seek forgiveness and redemption.

When plans change, so do we, because we are meant to be more than we think we could be, and to make mistakes, and to work together and learn from each other, and be edified – and eventually made new.

So thankful for this story.

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On Teaching

What do you think about public school teaching? Have you had experience teaching? Do you know someone that has? Did you or did they survive?

I am at a crossroads. I have never ever wanted to be a public school teacher in America. Overseas, as a language teacher, yes. Here – never.

Yet, here I am. I am decent at it. I am respected by peers and administration and mostly respected by parents. I could keep working day and night and be one of the best, without a doubt. But I don’t really enjoy much of it. The kids, they are adorable and fun. They wear me out, but sometimes the things they say help me feel not so exhausted. The kids are only a tiny piece of the puzzle. ¬†There’s also the testing (a ginormous piece), the constantly shifting expectations, the million initiatives imposed by those far removed from the classroom, the observations, the pressure to perform at 100% every day, to hold the entire world together while meeting the emotional and academic needs of 23 six-year-olds, teaching character and patience while hanging desperately to your own.

The planning consumes all of the time off-stage. The job is multi-layered. Sometimes other teachers can be cruel (with looks or quick comments) to each other as they are deflecting the stress of holding their own world of little people together.

What stands in the way of America adopting successful strategies used in institutions abroad? Maybe this time in my life is just as much of a learning period for me as it is for all of the littles involved.

A million questions surround me. I trust it will make sense. Until then, I will push on and continue to give all of me to this profession. Prayers for continued strength and sanity are much appreciated.

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Direction

When I started this blog, my goal was to write about my every day adventures. Those adventures that may seem mundane, but are made wonderful by perspective or by story-telling.

Since blog one, I’ve lost my direction. This has become more of an outlet than any type of adventure tale.

I’ve forgotten to tell about our family cruise in September, or how we were pre-approved to buy this adorable house…the same day the house was signed over on another offer.

I’ve forgotten to mention that my husband has decided he may be more open to entertain extended traveling and I am starting my Masters program in January.

I’ve forgotten to exclaim my undergrad student loans are almost paid, I started a new, insanely intense workout program, and I maybe starting a new job at the end of the year.

I guess my life has been full of adventure and I’ve neglected it any spotlight. Here’s to regaining my focus and blogging with a little more direction.

Hold me to that, will you?

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