true north moment

i am taking breaks, checking facebook, in between filling out online applications for anything here in colorado. i see you were active twelve minutes ago, which is annoying because you haven’t texted me today.

this morning i woke up with a knot in my stomach. the snow falling outside was absolutely gorgeous, and my stomach was nervous enough i could barely enjoy it.

“how’d i get here?” is a question on loop in my mind.

at least some people get it, get me, in the crazy.

i survey my life and accomplishments and wonder how the same woman who won scholarship to study in south america feels on edge and lacking. looking for something, anything to make money. to pay bills. currently, i have two overdue.

the same person who has com-plete-ly paid student loans, in full, and didn’t borrow a dime from mom & dad, is struggling to find a part time job?

“what the actual fuck?” – another phrase on repeat.

at least i have friends who get me and laugh with me.

i did get an email from an adorable bookstore downtown. i’ll interview this week.

ok, life does hold promise.

it’s been an interesting few months.

i left – because i’m good at leaving – in search of my compass again. i wanted to keep moving while waiting for my true north moment.

i felt it in 2013. wow, five years ago. i felt it when visiting nashville. i knew i’d make my home there – it felt more right than i’d ever experienced right feeling.

so i’m waiting on it – hoping hope still exists. knowing i wanted to make it this way. knowing i’ll keep going to oregon and california. knowing this is part of the story. praying to God he still hears me even when i swear i was traded in with the divorce.

“at least i’m still fighting for a flame,” I think to myself in this exact moment. i never ever ever gave up, and on this alone is worth hinging all my pride.

i could have stopped trying when i felt outside-of-my-skin uncomfortable. when all the puzzle pieces no longer fit and i realized i was in the middle of a completely different game.

and i didn’t.

i kept going. when low became lower, i hung on. man, good for me.

and outside of the construction of economy and order, there are the intangibles, which i’m never ever short of – love, grace, peace, possibility.

and gratitude. forever thankful for those who color my life and give me something to write about 🙂

also – today is only day three. something to think about when i’m freaking about not yet landing a job. i have been here three days.

ha! grace.

 

fort collins

i feel dizzy. my friends say it’s the altitude.

however, i think life makes me dizzy

truly, have i even had balance since 2016?

maybe.

 

the in-between

if LOST producers can develop an entire plot line focused on the in-between space – the not quite rescued, the un-arrived – then surely i can begin now. in-between what was and what will be, when I’m sitting in a health food restaurant off Mass Street, listening to live music, and filling out applications for what will be (at most) a three-week gig. defrosting and moving slowly, taking breaks to text the sweetest people. people i get to call my own. answering existential questions for fun and teasing about the future – i’m grinning. i may be cold, congested, and temporarily jobless, but i have a plan. and gosh darn it i have the best people.

leaving Columbus a few days ago was difficult. i’m so tired of trading in people. becoming close and then saying goodbye, though i did realize today – i’m not trading them – i actually get to keep them. and i get to hope and pray they will continue to show up in significant ways. i get to rest in the faith they will re-appear if they are supposed to – God only knows.

so here i am in the in-between. collecting info, making plans, continuing to push forward when i’m comfortable and enjoying this precious time with family.

an old friend quoted Alan Watts with, “the key to being unstuck is to let go of the desire to be unstuck.” and i resonate. though i think somewhere deep down, i’m holding onto being stuck. again – in this phase of life it’s comfortable. it’s familiar. and if i keep letting go (over and over) the risk of never getting [it] back rises.

so, I trust.

and when trusting is so so hard, I pray.

and I remind myself i’m learning lessons i need to learn to complete a much bigger, more beautiful picture than could be created otherwise.

here’s to the in-between

Protected: my heart

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

libertad

i know i have a tendency to talk in poetry, around and about without naming exactly what it is i’m saying.

my push now is to become the raw, uninhibited, vulnerable artist i see in the musicians and authors whose work speaks to me the most.

to set narcissism aside and communicate honestly; no matter the cost. no matter who i may be offending or inspiring, to simply be in such transparency – transparency i can’t take back or hide behind when being me is scary.

i used to think the bravest thing was quitting a job or moving.

now the bravest thing is living, heart open, fully me. 

the bravest thing is leaving when i want to stay, because i want full love and full healing more than right now.

the bravest thing is holding myself and others high when my arms are hurting.

the bravest thing is faith in what i can’t see at all.

the bravest thing is crying as many days as it takes because living is a process and feeling is essential.

the bravest thing is stating – all I really want is Jesus. when i wake up, when i go to bed. i want radiance, grace, love, kindness, healing, adventure, beauty, wisdom, faith. i experienced a true taste of this for the first time this year and nothing else satisfies.

the bravest thing is holding onto hope, while so so weary.

the bravest thing is standing, fighting, doing whatever in the world necessary to protect the sweet, innocent children.

the bravest thing is FEELING. living without numbing. setting myself free and allowing others permission to do the same. 

 

 

legrand adventure – the only kind to have

truly, madly, deeply is playing right now. is that the name of it? i know it’s by savage garden – ha. and i remember vaguely hearing this song at the grocery when i was a senior in high school.

god, that’s so far away.

even yesterday feels distant.

so i’m taking deep breaths and doing the next right thing. because that’s what oprah says to do. and the next right thing is another deep breath and allowing myself grace.

grace because i was only divorced three months ago, and i’ve been transient for over a year, and i’ve been freelancing during this time, and i broke up with my boyfriend and popped my tire in the same week. this week. today.

and i went to california and italy this year, all while transitioning, and new friending, and falling in love again.

i moved here and i moved to nashville and i moved back here again.

i said goodbye to my puppies.

action, movement, motion.

almost poetic as we transition into winter i’m finally pausing.

finally breathing.

finally acknowledging – damn, amanda – a break down is not weakness. in fact, it’s healthy.

a trauma research study stated divorce, moving, finding a new job, and losing pets all in the highest category of stress and life change.

so…

another deep breath. and two more.

this life is truly, incredibly beautiful. i see opportunity. possibility. growth. transformation. empathy. power.

i also see a trampoline down here at rock bottom. (i’m teasing, this doesn’t feel like rock bottom)

deep sigh, exhale, SMILE –

and move.

Protected: vulnerability

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Take a Deep Breath

And trust your instinct.

No matter how known your counsel is, it’s you who knows exactly what is on your mind and heart. It’s only you who can see from your perspective. It’s only you who can make the decision.

Also, become a strict tenant. You control who rents space in your mind. No one has the right to squat inside your brain and tell you what they see from their own perspective. You set the rules. You aren’t required to give any notice to those you refuse.

These words are for me. I’ve let this year become about someone else setting my pace. When last year was all about saying YES to me and my own heart (because you have to, especially when everyone has their own opinion), I took two steps back and submit my own thoughts to another.

All my plans for Live Audaciously were on hold while I chased someone else’s advice.

When you mute your true passion, what is left to drive you? 

I haven’t blogged since the end of January. Only because I’ve felt stuck, downplayed, weak, as if my plans weren’t enough compared to what might amount to more monetarily.

So many random thoughts tonight.

Really, fuck all of them. Those who try to tell you you don’t matter because they are feeling threatened or invalidated. We live in a world where you are free to create yourself. Take full advantage and don’t let them tell you otherwise. And if they do, walk away. Kick them out of your mind. Keep being you.

If advice is hurled your way, decide if it matters to you. If not, do whatever the hell you want.

Audacious

Last June I was reading Wild on my condo balcony. My health and fitness hobby was growing into what could easily become a career. My mind was searching for which direction I would go. Would I continue to teach in a local school district one more year or would I knowingly give up a steady paycheck because deep down I had faith and a feeling this will work? Do I have enough courage to make it work when the feeling has left me?

In my deliberation, I never once thought teaching was inferior, though if I was honest with myself and everyone else, teaching in the U.S. in a public school was on my list of “nevers.” I did not want to become a teacher, especially not an elementary school teacher. What happened though is, I really wanted to move to Nashville and it was something I could do.

Often we make choices based on what we think we can do instead of aiming for what is nearly impossible (and what we would clearly need God’s help in achieving).

So in weighing both of my options, I only had one true choice. Continue to dole out advice I was hypocritically to terrified to exercise in my own life, or fall in love with the fear knowing my dependency on faith would multiply.

After a few, long, deep breaths and uplifting conversations with Nigel, I made the phone call. I said no, and thank you, to an opportunity. A really good, amazing, fantastic opportunity, because when I evaluated my motivation – money was at the core. I started teaching to get to Nashville. I was still teaching because even though teachers are not paid a great deal of it, money is involved, and it comes steadily.

I knew this is what I needed to do. I knew in my heart when I was moved to tears at the bravery and audacity of this woman who decided to write an honest story about her experience in coming home and embracing who she is. Her account paired with the notion in The Compound Effect about doing things in a big way and going for the shock factor over what is comfortable, made up my mind.

I wasn’t sure what it would look like, but knew, this is how I wanted my story to read:

she had a chance to live her life and she took it

Now, six months later, the choice is still scary. I still doubt. I still question myself and my crazy. It would be so practical to give up and move on; I’m doing what I do well, but am I doing it well enough?

This morning I spent some time reading Love Does by Bob Goff. This was gifted to me by a new friend who I don’t even truly know, but the internet and life work that way.

Aside from the heart and humor within each story Bob tells, he also continues to remind me dreaming in an enormous way is important. Having faith because it’s unlikely and unpractical and outrageous, is important and even necessary.

Bob has used the adjective “audacious,” nearly ten times in his book. Of course anyone is welcome to use any word they prefer, and still because he keeps using that word of all words, I know to hang on. I know to keep going, keep pushing, because nothing worth doing is easy (it’s what they say, right?) And because I never want to leave this life a little short of what I could have been.

When I look at who inspires me, I see the relentless, passionate few, who no matter what – never freaking give up. And in doing so they arrive where they are headed. They embody audacity and true faith.

Living our day to day naturally dims this drive. We all become very comfortable. Life is convenient, even easy mostly. So I don’t expect you to fully understand what I’m saying. Because when I’m in the routine, driving to and from work, tired, only slightly passionate, I forget too. However, in these moments when I take one second and let some truth touch my soul – I remember. I was meant for more, I can feel it. You were too. Whatever it looks like for you, I’m not sure. But what I do know is you should always do a “soul check.” Ask yourself questions regularly. Reflect on who you are and who you want to be and listen to what’s inside of you. At your core you always know which path to follow.

Be freaking audacious. In your actions, your love, your life. Every day, forever. Amen.

So Far

It’s only week two of the year and I’m over here like – yikes. Not that anything has gone particularly unwell, but I’m seeing the worst parts of me show up. For some reason I thought my flying high moments of 2015 would be automatically grandfathered into this year. And they are but also, they are not. It’s a new start whether the old was phenomenal or not. We wake up and we do this life again and again and again. And mostly, I wanted to coast off of all of the positive and accomplished feelings of last year. But I must keep going. And it’s not all rosy.

So 2016, and this well-intentioned focus on health has not been easy. Good, right? Yes, I’m trying to keep asking myself the same question and responding with – Yes, you fool! Easy is boring. Easy lacks value. Easy is, well, easy. You want what you had to trudge through to acquire. You want the version of yourself made through mess and strife and humility.

I feel like I’m getting off track.

This weekend we went to the Farmer’s Market. I wanted to mention this because it’s part of why I’m so excited for this health initiative. I want to say just that – we went to the Farmer’s Market. To say we did sounds quaint and responsible. Really, we were frustrated with each other the entire time. I wanted Nigel to automatically know what we needed and how to do this whole trip to the FM. I hadn’t dug deep enough to know which foods are the best to snag at the market and which are not. The idea of going, in my head, was dreamy and hopeful. We’d make friends with the farmers and pick up fresh flowers and skip all the way back to the car. (Ok, kidding about the skipping part. I don’t think skipping takes space in any of my daydreams).

So we’d have this phenomenal trip to the FM and have everything we need and avoid the crowds and spend the rest of our day hiking and enjoying our weekly date. Except we weren’t ready for the FM, so now I have it penciled as my next task. Incredibly enough, I received Practical Paleo this weekend (after all the trips to the store, it’s ok) and I’ll be counting this book as my January health read. She does well to inform on what to find and where to find it, so I’m hopeful in future more magical trips to the market.

For now, I’ll share this week’s menu. We are rolling over a few meals from last week because they were so delicious.

• Monday: Italian Chicken Fingers
• Tuesday: Turkey Stuffed Bell Peppers
• Wednesday: Italian Chicken Fingers
• Thursday: Honey Glazed Chicken
• Friday: Maple Glazed Salmon
• Saturday: out to eat/ date night
• Sunday: breakfast all day! We made paleo blueberry scones today – and oh my sweet heavens, you have to try them.