Category Archives: authentic

Secrecy

Oh, I can’t explain. When I like people immensely, I never tell their names to any one. It is like surrendering a part of them. I have grown to love secrecy. It seems to be the one thing that can make modern life mysterious or marvelous to us. The commonest thing is delightful if one only hides it. When I leave town now I never tell my people where I am going. If I did, I would lose all my pleasure. It is a silly habit, I dare say, but somehow it seems to bring a great deal of romance into one’s life.

-Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray

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Hallelujah – Part Two

Nothing is ever the same, but everything is always familiar.

I’ve posted this song before. Here it is again played by Dave Bazan.

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Transition

I’ve transitioned from extremely free to extremely busy in a matter of days. Maybe extremely busy is an exaggeration; however, I now have plenty to fill my days and I am relieved to not be overly-stressed with a 40-hour a week commitment on top of everything else.

In the third week of the new year, I began my Masters course: Classroom Discipline and Motivation. With the possibility of teaching beginning as early as this fall, I am pretty thrilled to learn a few classroom motivation secrets. I am also preparing for an interview in Nashville on February 9th; and wait, there’s more, I’ve been studying for the ESL Praxis (and will take this next week, ahh!) My stomach is nervous, which means I’m not as relaxed as before, but that’s okay.

I’ve picked up a few sub opportunities here and there, but for the most part I’m leaning on my wonderfully, amazing man.

Finally, amidst the new found busy I do not want to forget to make the space for relaxation, tranquility and a stillness before the Lord. (It’s all for Him, about Him, because of Him).

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2013

Fresh. New. Possibility. Adventure. Alive.

I can almost feel these words as I think them. The psychological and ideological approach to the new year is not new, nor is it realistic, but it sure is fun. It’s fun to imaginatively pack up 2012. A memory just the right size to put in that box over there and, here, this one will fit too. That one memory gets shoved into the “never again box.” The NA box will be thrown out completely, burned, and hopefully we’ll lose sight of the ashes.

On NYE we construct new boxes. We fold them just right, we decorate them too. These boxes are created in the form of wishes, dreams and resolutions. These boxes are always much better than the used, sometimes ugly boxes of the years past. I realize I’m a day or so late in constructing my own box for the new year, but I wasn’t feeling the drive to create until now.

Mine is far more abstract than it has ever been before. The rules which dictated my dos and don’ts are loosely embraced this year. I’ve flung aside the brown cardboard that told me exactly how my experiences should appear and exactly what I will do to create them. This year’s ideas are merely suggestions.

Some suggestions I will paint on the outside of the box include: creatively existing, less do-ing/ more experiencing, a transition into better health, allowing myself to live by my own advice and learning to feed my soul.

Near the close of 2012, I shed the thought that my life had to seem a certain way. I too sensitively listened to everyone’s plans and thought I had to have my very own plan (and it had to look like every other plan). Sometimes my life will look radically different than anyone I can name, and that is OK. This epiphany birthed the choice to quit my job and purposefully not focus on the inevitable question of, “what’s next?” This decision has ignited so much feeling of freedom within my being. This decision has allowed me to entertain the world of possibility that lies ahead. I don’t want to be slave to the “have-tos” and I am embracing the “want-tos” and the “wouldn’t it be amazings?”

I know this year will be chalked-full of adventure and I cannot wait to share the “what’s next?” as it evolves into existence.

Here’s to a less complicated and more holistic new year. CHEERS.

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Snow Day

I tried to make it to work today, really.

I left 20 minutes earlier than normal and was honestly driving about 20 miles an hour. Even though many cars were having some trouble, I thought, “I can do this.” I thought this right up to three minutes into my drive. My normal route was completely blocked due to a wreck and several cars swerving hopelessly on the ice.

As I turned around, I realized my car would not be so lucky to make it back without swerving around like the rest of them. Half an hour passed as I turned my wheels this way and that way, trying to gain enough traction to move. While trying to coax my car into movement, a jeep came careening backward, right toward my front bumper. “Oh crap,” I thought.

Fortunately, I was able to swerve right out of the way … just in time. Shortly after this, my car realized it’s power and moved forward, upward toward home. An hour later, I was back home.

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So far I’ve done up my hair and make-up, tried on several different outfits, had my own impromptu photo shoot (which included a trip outside in my big winter parka) and had some down time filled with music and reflection.

This reflection has led to much brainstorming: first, what a year this has been…I’m excited to reflect completely and set some new goals for 2013; second, I am so thankful for all the beauty and grace every moment brings. Sometimes beauty comes in the form of bitter, sometimes it’s more obvious like falling snow. Also, I think, like the Grinch, my heart has grown three sizes today realizing how much I really do enjoy people. I often like to be alone, but oh how I enjoy being surrounded by such wonderful, different and interesting people.

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Possibility

11: the number of days remaining at my current job. 0: the number of jobs I have lined up after this one.
This makes me feel alive for some reason. It makes me feel free. It makes me feel like I don’t have to be tied-up to some responsibility to survive. I feel like my options are wide open and my future can be etched with my own pen.

Realistically, this is very stupid. However, it doesn’t stop me. I technically have a job substitute teaching, but need to register my fingerprints to be “official.”

I’d like to work in a warehouse or bar-tend or do something completely random, for fun, just because.

Ideas?? Suggestions?? Dares???

Image

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Bitter

I know we should value every moment, but I’m left feeling like I want nothing more than the beginning of January. I feel so jaded about the world’s approach to Christmas. We drew names at Thanksgiving for a Christmas gift exchange. I don’t even want to think about spending money on a gift. I don’t want to have to stress about buying gifts for people that don’t need them or to pretend like gift giving is what matters.

I am done caring about my job, and tired of showing up every week faking it. I miss working with kids. At least they are authentic. Most haven’t been bitten by the bitter of life.

I know this is a sour post, but I want room to be sour. I want to be able to frown and cry if I feel it. I want to be real, even if real is ugly.

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What do I desire?

Hi.

Perhaps the grandest of adventures is in the making. My loans will soon be paid (well, we’ve paid four in one year. I am extremely STOKED about this) and my full time job will be no longer as of December 28th. It’s funny. I wanted full-time work so badly and now I’m running as fast as I can toward change. I believe I served at CFCA for the appropriate allotted time. As mentioned previously, I successfully depleted four different student loans with one remaining. My attitude toward the final loan is to not focus on it, let it disappear more naturally. I’ve learned a great deal about working in the non-profit world. It truly is fulfilling, but so are many other things. I know I can do anything I would like to do. Some things may take more time and effort, but it’s the risk I’d take given wanting to do that particular thing.

What is my dream job? I’m not really sure. My Facebook news feed provided me with the most interesting video.

What would I do if money didn’t matter? It’s so hard to say…we are so trained to search for something that earns us money, not fulfillment. But how do we pay the bills if what we want to do doesn’t currently earn us anything? It’s really a hard, heartless, vicious cycle.

I want to write. I want to travel. Could I become a travel-writer? My current worldly answer is…I can teach. Only sometimes am I passionate about teaching; however the answer is acceptable and the pay check is real, not imaginary. Would I love it? Probably not…would I enjoy it? Yes, sometimes.

Right now, my husband and I are looking for work in Nashville and Chicago. I’d like to move. I’d like to do something interesting and mobile before I’m 30.

Perhaps it’s all so overrated. Thoughts?

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The Cleanse

So often in life, we need harvest time.

We need to uproot everything we’ve been producing and sort the authentic from the destructive.

When this is done, we must burn our fields and start anew.

This is my harvest time. Yesterday, I gave notice at a job that means well, but is sucking my soul right out of me.

Yesterday, I also gave zero notice as I destroyed a relationship that had been destroying me.

As I purged the poisons from my system, I noticed a feeling of new, of hope, of authenticity bubbling up inside of me.

I took account of all the beautiful sorted out from the evil and realized, my life is so so good.

Praise God.

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