trust

“this is what trust looks like,” is what i remind myself. often.

it used to be harder for me, to grasp, to understand, to embody.

trust.

it’s surrender, you know. and you can’t lean in halfway. this is a complete, whole heart, mind, and soul commitment – to trust.

trust it will be okay. trust the journey. trust the process. trust God knows me deeply, thoroughly.

i know all of these are true, and i’ve seen the evidence.

and i know the messy makes sense in the bigger picture, and at the same time, i feel something about the messy. i see the beautiful engagement photos, and i remember he asked me to marry him eight years ago, in the same month he’s getting remarried.

i know. by all accounts, i’m past it. i don’t think about it often, almost never really. i love my life and every aspect of it – and still – it’s weird. in the little place, deep down, the one simultaneously thankful and sorrowful for the messy.

did we really have to know each other so well and break each other’s hearts so drastically? couldn’t the wisdom have come another way?

and can i speak to how strange it feels to try on a name only to give it back? knowing it’s going to fit someone else better?

and i’m overjoyed for them as well. i’m so happy he’s happy. her too.

i’m all of it. all at once.

oh, Jesus.

i trust you.

i will say it until i believe it.

you are so good to me. despite the mess. despite the emotion. i’m thankful for the growth. it’s not linear or binary, instead multi-dimensional. complex. more than i can fathom, in every direction.

amen.

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