un-edited flow

writing in the morning, first thing, is what i try to practice. it’s a technique borrowed from Artist’s Way, and because i haven’t read the book i can’t tell you the exact details; though what i do know is this:

as soon as you wake up, grab a pen and paper and let it flow. no editing, no second guessing, total stream of consciousness, from mind to paper.

in doing this, i’ve discovered a great deal. questions arise, true feelings (sans should, guilt, judgement) surface.

i’m terrified.

something i observed only this morning.

i’m terrified of making choices resulting in pain.

“can i only exist in the happy spaces from now on? in the spaces where it is sweet to commune with another human being? in the flow? life can be scary. the not knowing. the possibility of pain amidst the joy. the beauty is in living – not holding back.” -this morning’s thoughts

i suppose the excitement is in the risk.

another uncovered perception was my fear of what is coming being second best to what could have been if i hadn’t wrecked it all.

“i don’t want to feel like everything is second best to what could have been. i want to know it’s better.

– – – – –

giving life to these words leaves them less trapped in my mind and more observable. not sure where some of them are sourced, and i’m happy to be aware of them.

i don’t want to be scared. i want to rest in certain promises declaring beauty, excitement, and joy.

dwelling on the latter opens up a future i want to exist in –

– – – – –

i miss nashville. something about the style and culture of the city has me all sorts of nostalgic. i tried living there again and it was – different. (i hope you heard the *pause* and read different like it sounds in Fantastic Mr. Fox)

many options entice me – revamping a van to bump around the US could be a thing. so could living in South America for three-six months. so could living in Oregon, Northern Cal, maybe Washington. so could an adorable craftsman home in said states (or maybe somewhere else) with a gaggle of children, some adopted, in their cute hipster baby clothes.

sneaking away to write in my cabin. taking trips to road school. booking speaking events. staying health-conscious, brave, pursuing depth, growth, audacity.

owning a grand piano in the home library. 

this is all relevant, yes? this is all possible, yes?

it will be better than i imagined?

i sure hope so.

 

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