i am taking breaks, checking facebook, in between filling out online applications for anything here in colorado. i see you were active twelve minutes ago, which is annoying because you haven’t texted me today.
this morning i woke up with a knot in my stomach. the snow falling outside was absolutely gorgeous, and my stomach was nervous enough i could barely enjoy it.
“how’d i get here?” is a question on loop in my mind.
at least some people get it, get me, in the crazy.
i survey my life and accomplishments and wonder how the same woman who won scholarship to study in south america feels on edge and lacking. looking for something, anything to make money. to pay bills. currently, i have two overdue.
the same person who has com-plete-ly paid student loans, in full, and didn’t borrow a dime from mom & dad, is struggling to find a part time job?
“what the actual fuck?” – another phrase on repeat.
at least i have friends who get me and laugh with me.
i did get an email from an adorable bookstore downtown. i’ll interview this week.
ok, life does hold promise.
it’s been an interesting few months.
i left – because i’m good at leaving – in search of my compass again. i wanted to keep moving while waiting for my true north moment.
i felt it in 2013. wow, five years ago. i felt it when visiting nashville. i knew i’d make my home there – it felt more right than i’d ever experienced right feeling.
so i’m waiting on it – hoping hope still exists. knowing i wanted to make it this way. knowing i’ll keep going to oregon and california. knowing this is part of the story. praying to God he still hears me even when i swear i was traded in with the divorce.
“at least i’m still fighting for a flame,” I think to myself in this exact moment. i never ever ever gave up, and on this alone is worth hinging all my pride.
i could have stopped trying when i felt outside-of-my-skin uncomfortable. when all the puzzle pieces no longer fit and i realized i was in the middle of a completely different game.
and i didn’t.
i kept going. when low became lower, i hung on. man, good for me.
and outside of the construction of economy and order, there are the intangibles, which i’m never ever short of – love, grace, peace, possibility.
and gratitude. forever thankful for those who color my life and give me something to write about 🙂
also – today is only day three. something to think about when i’m freaking about not yet landing a job. i have been here three days.